![The Writer's [Inner] Journey](/wp-content/themes/thesis_151/custom/images/header2.png "The Writer's [Inner] Journey")
There might always be a part of me that is obsessed with TV shows where a fix is “revealed” and everything is tidied up nicely—at least on the air. I’m not talking about a story that’s truly lit from within (I love these, but am not obsessed with them—interesting, huh?). I’m referring to when someone who knows everything tells people who supposedly know nothing what they are supposed to know and do and be. These shows are rigged so one person appears superior, the other, quite the opposite.
Exactly what hooks me in.
A few years ago I was hooked by an Oprah show about money and debt. People in massive amounts of financial debt shared the hour with money guru Suze Orman—fixer, all knower. I have nothing against Suze (or Oprah!), but who knew there was such a thing as a money guru—that money deserved a guru. The word implies expertise, inner knowledge, aboveness and the privilege of telling other people what to do. At least in shows like this one.
Suze said: “People first, then money, then things.” Oprah made eye contact with the camera—with me, as though making sure I got it.
Oh, I got it. I don’t remember if the TV guests got it, or what they said upon hearing Orman’s ordinal concept. All I remember was thinking damn, this sucks. I wasn’t in financial debt, nor had (or have) I been; I can’t speak from that place. But I can tell you that the notion of valuing people first messed with my ordinal concepts of reality, though not in the way it sounds.
The humiliated faces of Oprah’s guests reminded me of many a job interview at the exact moment when salary was discussed. There was that higher (better) than/lower (less) than dichotomy. Salaries, quite frankly, have little to do with debt—unless you you’re talking about self-debt—which I am.
As a writer, a freelancer, a former social worker/therapist, and employee, valuing myself when it came to negotiating my rates—money—has sometimes been so unpleasant (in my own head) I’d just take whatever you want to give me. Sure, I can obsess all I want about money (again, in my head)—control it there (ha!)—but say it out loud? Too scary. You might think I’m greedy. You might think I’m taking it away from you. You might think there’s not enough to go around. These are some of the basic tenets of self-debt, along with worrying what you might think.
Money. I’ve lived in fear of having it and of losing it. I’d inherited fears from my family, and morphed up quite a few rich ones of my own (another post, another day).
So yes. People first, then money. When you talk about people, this means me, myself. Which means honor my deepest truth and the rest flows naturally into place. It does not flow, however, if I believe you hold my answers (which would indicate not valuing myself first) and are keeping them from me.
It would be a lie to say that for a split second, sitting there in my living room, I didn’t want Orman to come to my house and tell me how to fix me. Or just fix me herself. A self-debtor is constantly forgetting that the answers are always inside, just like her voice, her creative process, her words. We tend to think these gifts are outside—found in places like TV where a guru is ready to dole out advice.
The more I recover my truth—inside me—the less susceptible I am to falling for the lie that someone else has my answers. You?
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It's so hard to trust yourself; when to let go of those inner voices of doubt. And so, many people get sucked in by "experts" – and they forget to listen to which direction their gut tells them to follow.
Like you, I have much self-debt when it comes to money and asking for what I think I'm worth; usually, I underestimate my worth for fear of…who knows what? All someone can say is no, but for whatever reason, I cringe when I have to face that kind of "no."
There's nothing wrong with listening to the opinions of the guru du jour, as long as we keep in mind that economic "experts" collectively blew up the world's economy recently, and we're all suffering for it.
Anyhow, let's drop this back to a more personal level. Thanks for your courage in revealing your own mixed feelings about getting paid. I want to share something my friend Abbey once told me: "White women of a certain social class are only allowed two acceptable careers: interior decorator and editor." I laughed, but I got her point. An upper-middle-class white woman should decorate houses for her friends and their friends, or edit literary journals and such, and not worry about getting PAID, because that's…well…one doesn't like to say, but…um…being concerned with money is so…blue collar, isn't it? And unladylike. Ladies don't think about money, much less worry about it — there's always plenty, thanks to daddy and then hubby, isn't there? So, let's rack up those college degrees, and not think about the debt that comes with them! Let's be unpaid interns at FUN jobs in publishing or the arts! Gosh, isn't running the copy machine FUN? Let's be five-year slaves to faculty advisors who make us pick up their dry cleaning and walk their dogs and teach their classes for them, and let's hope at the end of it they OK our dissertations! And above all, let's not listen to that little voice whispering truth in our heads, the one that says, "You ARE getting pimped, you know."
Money is not just money. Money is freedom. Money is power. Money is security. Above all, expecting and getting money for work performed is self-respect and self-love.
I do volunteer work with the elderly for free with my eyes wide open, but I do not, and God willing, will not, work for a profit-making enterprise without getting paid.
I've been self-employed almost 28 years, but before that, I had many jobs doing many things. I remember one particular interview. I knew the salary range and asked for the top end. The man looked me in the eye and said, "But if we start you there, you won't be able to go higher." I looked him in the eye and said, "That's fine with me." He blinked first and I got the job with the salary I deserved, given my experience and qualifications.
I had a number of huge advantages during this negotiation process: I had come from the bottom of America's barrel. I'd worked after school in offices as soon as I could get a work permit, and NO, not as a God-damned unpaid intern. I helped support my relatives until I became a teenage runaway. I lied about my age, rented my own house in the ghetto — it goes on, but you get the point. No daddy, no hubby, no ambiguity about the importance of money — either I got paid or I went hungry; and I never, ever went hungry.
I avoided professions filled with ladies, who brought down pay scales, since they were far too polite to ask for what they were worth. I worked in civil service and later became a construction worker, both of which had posted salaries. If you worked Job X, you got paid $X, end of story.
And handling money? I hit the library, read Value Line Investment Survey and Morningstar, Business Week and Forbes, Investors Daily and the Wall Street Journal, Andrew Tobias and Peter Lynch and Warren Buffett. I understood maybe 25 to 50% of what I was reading, but I came away with this: Never invest in anything you don't understand. That one sentence rang true for me, and I listened.
I still try to listen to that inner voice, because it doesn't want to steer me wrong.
It's an excellent idea to get other people's opinions and consider their expertise, but we all have to distill the information and reach our own conclusions. As you pointed out, nobody else has my answers.
You really got me thinking. Thanks for the great post!
I agree that people should come first. I've never been in massive debt but I have found, recently, that prioritizing my kids and my family has sometimes meant not being able to pay off credit cards, and being late on school fees, etc. I hate that. I fantasize about being independently wealthy and all the causes, people, and organizations I would donate most of the wealth to… In my old age (I turned 40 a month ago) I have been able to negotiate high fees for editing work. I think people actually respect you more the more you charge! Something to mull over…
Money is such an emotionally charged issue – especially for creative types. It's almost like people think we love what we do – therefore we should do it for love, not money.
This was great! Like you, I love anything featuring an "all-knower." I want someone else to have the answers (magical ones) so I don't have to. I find myself drawn to self-help books with simple solutions and, yes, the occasional Oprah episode
I think most of us don't always think we know the right way (though we probably do). We look for assurance outside of ourselves.
Also like you, I've lived in fear of money — having it and losing it. I don't think I've ever felt peace about it. Most creative people don't discuss money much, though I presume it's a big issue for all of us. People do come first, and I've realized this over and over (especially given some recent events in my life).
Thanks for sharing so much. I loved it
I wonder if you are familiar with the song The Secret of Life? Faith Hill recorded it, and so did Gretchen Peters, the songwriter. Gretchen says that the idea for the song came to her while she was in a bookstore surrounded by shelves and shelves of self help books with solutions to every problem. you may want to check out the whole song –chorus hook is: 'the secret of life is there ain't no secret.'
I also think women still have a harder time asking for what they're worth. I still am capable of caving into the thrill that someone wants me and my work — and forgetting that I deserve to be well-paid.
I've watched Suze on Oprah too, but I usually identify with the person she's screaming at for screwing things up.
Glad to have discovered your blog.
Money is such a hot button for writers, and all creatives, glad you wrote about it. That old corny phrase, "Do what you love and the money will follow…" for me, it's true. It's a real test of faith to try and live that way, but every day that I do is a good day.
When I worked as a free-lance writer, I always had the same problem–never knowing quite how much to charge, so I always charged less than what I thought others were getting but more than I thought I probably deserved–that old self-debt, self-doubt are all bound up together.
And what Susan Cameron says is so true as far as women are concerned–being undervalued and underpaid–though I think that is changing gradually.
I still keep waiting for Michael Anthony from that old television show, The Millionaire, to knock on my door and present me with a million dollar check from John Beresford Tipton, the fictional industrialist who provided the checks. When we were young and broke, my husband and I used to stop every time the door bell rang, look at each other, and without saying it, we both just knew we were thinking the same thing–would we open the door and find Michael Anthony standing there?
Unfortunately, Michael Anthony never showed up, so I just had to do the best I could and try to charge a fair price, though when I look back, I know that I undervalued myself.
Putting a dollar value on my efforts, creative or otherwise, makes me squirm, probably because I never think they're worth much. It seems the height of hubris to attach a high price to something I've created. My artist husband has had this dilemma for years as he's priced his own works of art for sale to the public and decided what to charge other artists for the work he does for them. I can hear our accountant's constant complaint ringing in my ears: "You need to charge more for your work! If you don't get a fair price, you might as well be taking a walk on the beach." In this instance I think the bean counters have a better grasp on value than us insecure creative types do.
Oy! I'm still that person that's just happy for an assignment! I have finally mustered up the courage though to tell one editor that I usually charge x for copy and she was cook about it. While I didn't get x, I still at least had my say and I think the next time will be easier!
As freelancers, I think prioritizing is key. As any financial planner will tell you, you have to evaluate your goals first and then make sure your actions work toward those goals. For me, I prioritize my writing goals around my first priority–my family. And frankly, they are the inspiration for some of my best stories.
I think that it becomes easier to prioritize these things, the older you get. I also think it's too simple to say there is an absolute order. Yes, family comes 'first' but we still do work on days we would rather lounge with the kids
I think as freelancers, it's normal to doubt our worth. Society doesn't really value "writing" unless the writer is famous. So we feel the need to prove ourselves. It wasn't until fairly recently, when I was able to surround myself with a group of people who convinced me of my worth, that I was able to know it in such a way that I could say, "Hey, this is what I'm worth. You don't want to pay it? You don't get me." But it took a really long time and the constant support of some really great people.